In the beginning

Sometimes when telling a story the hardest part is deciding when the story begins. Since there is no perfect place to begin I have decided to start the darkest point in my life. I pick this place of shame because the point of this blog is to release shame and process my personal growth in the light. Something I would not want you to know about me is that I have struggled with depression for a very long time. I have been so depressed I was terrified of what I might do to myself. I have felt as if I lived at the bottom of a very dark well with no hope of escape. I am not sure how else to describe it.

I was 35 when I had my first nervous breakdown. Before that I never called it depression, but now that I have a name for it I know that my depression started well before that. I can remember long stretches of depression as early as 21 years old. Before 35 I just didn't talk about it. My depression in many ways was debilitating and I don't know how I made it through, but somehow I did. You see, despite my deep depression I worked, climbed the corporate ladder, got raises and promotions and no one around me knew. My wife knew I was depressed, but few others. My depression seemed to impact my ability to connect with others most of all. I was smart enough and worked hard enough to over come the illness at least in public. Few people could tell or more likely they didn't know me well enough to judge what I might have done if not for IT.

One day, on my commute to work, I parked my car to catch my morning train and found I couldn't get out of my car. No really, I couldn't get out of the car. You see, up till then I had always just pushed on through, put one foot in front of the other, survived. On this cloudy October day I couldn't push through. That was my first nervous breakdown. There were lots of tears, mostly from frustration that I couldn't just brush it under the rug and keep going.

Then I was introduced to the modern pharmaceutical industry. I tried a barrage of pills that allowed me to do just what I wanted, brush it under the rug, not think about it, and keep moving forward. It didn't last. The depression always came back. Then I was on to the next cocktail of pharmaceuticals. The depression began to create fatigue. My doctors tested me for chronic fatigue syndrome, and lots of other scary illnesses looking for a diagnosis. After growing tired of the conveyer belt of specialists, their ever-ready prescription pads and the medical side effects from their creative cocktails I eventually I switched to a naturopathic doctor.

Switching to a more natural vitamin regimen I began to feel better. I could keep moving forward. Oh, the naturopath was still experimenting on me but the side effects of two handfuls of vitamins were at worst a stomach ache. There was an improvement. The fatigue was still present, the depression just under the surface, but I felt better and I could continue working without having to think about why I was depressed.

Oh, yes I went to therapy. I've had lots of therapists over the last ten years. However, since my primary goal was to keep moving and keep my true self hidden from them and even myself, therapy was not really productive. I became quite good at fooling my therapists and myself into thinking I was really there to work on myself. It was a nice way to pass the time and I could easily guide the conversation toward or away from anything I chose. I am sorry to say that for years I managed my therapists like I managed everyone else around me.

I really thought I was quite clever. Always just enough truth, just enough candor and self reflection to be authentic without ever really getting close to any real growth or insight. I knew I was managing them at the time, but it didn't feel wrong. It was just what I did. No one knew me and no one would. I was top secret, the best kept secret in a city of secrets, Washington DC. Not even I knew me anymore.

Introduction

I am 40 years old in this 2010th year of the Gregorian calendar. I have experienced a lot in the last 40 years, both good and bad. However, I struggled with a profound unhappiness and as I reached my early thirties a deep depression began to set in. I never really understood why I was depressed. I just accepted that it was genetic; my father has been depressed as long as I can remember. Last year something happened to me that caused me to take a different look at my life and begin to re-examine decisions and assumptions about myself. I will get to that later.

For now, I can tell you that I am happy, but have to work to make that true on a daily basis. I am struggling to process childhood abuse, creating abundance in my life, accepting the path life brings, starting a business, healing my mind and spirit, getting clear on what I want and asking for it, parenting and creating/maintaining a healthy marriage. As I write this blog with unknown frequency I will explore each of these topics over time.

I am a growing man and have found I needed a place to reflect upon this growth. I hope you can get something useful from my journey find my place in the world.